What it Means to Have Control

At this point in life, you might believe you have a real understanding of what being a family is. You must remember that you will not have control of everything. Being that role model is what you should strive for. Don't try to be perfect and don't try to make your family perfect. Flaws are part of life and they should be embraced. 

There are four different types of parenting and there is only one that should be the goal. There is an authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. As you might already know neglectful is someone who doesn't care for the child and dismisses them. Permissive parenting is when you recognize the child but don't enforce any rules, have low expectations, and want to be more of a friend than a parent. Authoritative is when you have high expectations and high responsiveness to your child; therefore, you want them to achieve great things and you will do what you can and be as understanding as possible to help your child achieve that goal. Then authoritarian has high expectations but isn't always aware of the child. Out of all of these authoritative parenting is what you should strive to have in your family. You may not be perfect but helping them become the best they can be without hurting them can be the difference between your family and one that doesn't recognize their family's potential. 

As a parent or spouse, our behavior makes the difference in the family. Our psychological control versus our behavioral control can change our mindsets. "Behavioral control is generally what is meant by the term “demandingness,” in which parents monitor child behavior and hold children accountable when they misbehave. In contrast, psychological control is generally considered to be deleterious, regardless of its tone or level" (Eds et al., 2020). We should strive a behavioral control in the home. This doesn't mean that we have to pay attention to everything our child does but we should be able to help them understand the consequences of their actions and what they can do to become better. Whereas with psychological control we have a certain expectation that may not always fall through. We can strive to be authoritative along with behavioral control of our households. 

The difficulty and stress that comes with a family are all there. But don't let that distract you from enjoying it. We don't want to make mistakes, but it's ok to make them. I know that there are times in my life when I hope that my future child doesn't do the same as I or take an opportunity I never did. But each child and your spouse as well will come with challenges. Each person is different and has their own future ahead. Don't feel you have to make their future a certain way, but instead how you can help them find the future they want. 

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Define A Healthy Marriage

Whether you look at your parents, a couple on TV, or even just the relationships around you and they look happy. You might think they have no problems in life or they must be the perfect couple. Let me assure you that while those relationships look perfect, that doesn't mean they were always that way. Every couple will go through struggles in the relationship, no matter how many good moments they have, it doesn't mean it's always sunshine. You might not have the perfect marriage; however, I can help you do your best to get your best experience from it. Six foundational processes can help.

We start with the "Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant" (Eds et al., 2020). In this process, we must include Our Savior in our commitment. Marriage between a man and a woman is sacred so we will be making important decisions during this time. Bring Him into each conversation will help you make those decisions such as children, money management, moving, etc. This may not be a step that everyone thinks about. In fact, I have many friends who believe in God and those who don't. Those who don't are not necessarily thinking about this step in life. However, those who I know who are members of the Church have found that bringing the Lord in each step makes things easier. It gave them a guide and hope for their future. Building your family through Him, then raising them into the kingdom will provide your family with many blessings and guidance from Him. 

"Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship" (Eds et al., 2020) is the next step. Of course, you want to marry your best friend; therefore, love is a big part of that. However, while loving someone is the goal you must also understand the responsibility of loving someone. This love runs on your agency throughout the relationship. Do you choose to love each other even when you are angry? Is love a message that you send often? How can you better improve the relationship? Remember that this relationship, like most, evolved through being friends first. You shouldn't be afraid to learn more about your friend in a positive light. Learn to understand their love language and what you can do to uphold that. Talk to each other, it's as simple as that. Don't be afraid to talk to your best friend and learn what you can do to build a relationship.

"Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction" (Eds et al., 2020) helps us understand what positive relations can do. We all know that by having positive interactions you can be happier even with negative ones. But how can we make sure there are positive than negative interactions? Research shows that most often we see five positive interactions to one negative interaction. We can learn to focus on the positive by focusing on the negative. What I mean by this is that we all have flaws, but that shouldn't be our main focus. We must focus on what we admire about the other person and what we could do as a couple to build each other up.

"Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse" (Eds et al., 2020) allows us to understand our spouses' reasoning in certain circumstances. We must validate each others' opinions and help one another learn from them. By doing this we will be able to better understand one another. We must learn to apply these things to our family and just by our own opinion. Openly express your feelings. 

"Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems" (Eds et al., 2020) tells us that we might go into marriage thinking life will be blissful. Though there are a lot of ups, that also includes downs. To get through these things we must be able to approach each other's differences in a way that allows both to be happy. Compromise is one thing, but there will be times when one person's opinion or preference takes over. Don't go into arguments with a bad temper. When times like such come up, take time from each other and think about what you want to address. Once both are calm and in a better mindset, sit down and talk to one another. There are many methods to help this situation, such as a talking piece or a timer. 

Finally "Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years" (Eds et al., 2020) sounds easier said than done. Learning from one another is done all through marriage. Don't feel that you will always have it perfect because that isn't true. Take time to notice the things your spouse does. Take time to understand and spend time with them. Marriage can be scary, but it's what you make of it that will determine your happiness. 

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Building Relationships

 While it's important to figure out how to parent and the things you hope to do one day with your family. It's also important to look a bit before that. In this case, how do you know when you have found that person or how can you build a relationship at a young age? I get it that this is usually the conversation you don't want to have with your parents. I know that when I was a teenager there were times when my dad would bring up boys and I would just start to freak out and change the topic. However, they might not seem like a big deal right now, but they can be helpful in the future. 

Being young means that you still have so much to experience. You may be looking at your boy/girlfriend and think you're too young to even think about marriage. While I agree, it's important to learn how to build relationships, resolve conflict, and find out what you want. One thing you could focus on is relationship literacy. By doing this you are focusing on the communication and problem-solving skills of a relationship. This will better help you understand what a healthy relationship should be like and how you can improve things. 

As you get older in life but are still not ready for marriage, you must take a broader education on relationships. Knowing the safety of things like sex, cohabitation, income, and overall understanding of marriage can be a big help. These may be sensitive topics and most believe that the things they learn in school are enough. However, even though it may not be your parent, trusting an adult you know and being able to talk to them can change your perspective. It's also crucial that you be careful about where this information is obtained. 

Ultimately, the goal is to one day get married. Marriage isn't something that can be mastered overnight. There will be ups and downs that can even lead to a divorce. But trying to do better now can help in the future. Take those skills and use them in the relationships of your life. We must strive to achieve marital aspirations safely. I am not married, but I have been through some things that have helped me understand what it means to be in a healthy relationship and know what I want in the future. Look to your own life and think about what you want and how you can start to develop some of those attributes. Remember that life isn't like what you see on TV, it's what you make of it. 

Building Strong Families

We love our families and we would do anything to protect them. However, I know that no matter how much you love them, you don't want to be with them 24/7. This is one experience I know I can relate to. I mean I go to school in another state and when I visit there is a point when I want to go back to school. It's important to know that even though you may not want their company all the time, you must learn to appreciate it. 

My family and I have a hard time getting together all the time. My parents work, my brother works and goes to community college, and then my sister goes to high school. So don't get me wrong, I understand we all have very busy lives. But we must make time for each other. Think about your own life for a moment. When was the last time you and your family did something together? What were you feeling at that time? Now think about a time when you missed your family. What was the memory you were thinking of? Why do you miss them? Is there something you want to do with them? We take these things for granted at times. 

I think a great way to build a family is to spend time together. I don't expect people to have something planned every day let alone every week. But just making time for each other can make a difference. I know that many people will one day have their own families and those traditions you make now can follow you in the future. We must also understand that these activities don't necessarily have to be high-spending activities. In fact, just going for a walk or watching a movie can do a lot. Happiness isn't about how much we spend, but who we spend time with. "According to happiness research, it is plausible that participation in families, workplaces, and political systems will increase levels of happiness. The most significant process in this relationship is likely to be building and maintaining social relationships, well established as a promoter of happiness. Other processes are helping others and, in the case of work, the experience of flow from undertaking a challenging task" (Barker & Martin). 

Now that you're out with your family, how are you enjoying it? Are you having fun? Do you want to just get it over with? Your attitude can be the difference between having a good time or making this a bad memory for you. I know that sometimes it can be a lot, but it's important to take a positive outlook on these. We're not perfect and we have bad days, but express that in a way that is healthy and possibly even plans something for another day. Time is something we lose and putting a negative outlook is only taking away from others' happiness. 

Let's not waste what little time we have left and put into building our families. 

                                               This was from a family outing before college

Barker, C. J., & Martin, B. (2011). Participation: The happiness connection.

Is There Only One Way to Parent?

 To give a simple answer, no, there isn't one way to parent. Each parent will have to accommodate each child and that doesn't necessarily mean that you just give them attention. While this is a big part of raising a child every child will need a balance of love and limits. Take a moment to reflect on how your parents raised you. I'm sure there are things you loved and some things you wished they didn't do. First of all, it's important to remember that no one is perfect. You might hear this and think that it's an obvious statement; however, many children forget this. 

I will admit that I was not always the well-behaved child I could be. In fact, we all went, will be, or are going through that stage of life where everything your parents do annoys you and you just want to rebel or be alone. Looking back there are some things I wish I said and some things I wish I kept to myself. Many of us might not be parents yet, but I hope that you prepare for the potential future. 

Being a parent is one of the biggest responsibilities we can have in life. It's a full-time job and those days we wish could have off are not always an option. But don't let that scare you. Our parents gave us a chance here and though things may not be perfect, we don't have to always keep that chain going. 

Love. Love is the one thing you must give your child(ren). Especially at a young age, usually between ages 2 to 6 is the time when children remember your affection the most. They pay attention to how much time you give them or even how much you tell them you love them. This is a very sensitive time and it's important we express that. 

Limits. Another important aspect of parenting is knowing where loving your kid and risking your kid are two different things. "Setting limits and following through with pre-established consequences when rules are violated is one way that parents can help children learn to be self-regulating. Just as the rod is used to gently nudge sheep away from dangerous places, setting limits around potentially harmful influences (for example, inappropriate media and early dating) helps children feel safer and more secure" (Laird, Pettit, Bates, & Dodge, 2003). Limits doesn't mean to not let your child be "free" but instead to be safe. This is something parents must understand. 

I don't expect us all to be perfect but just that we all try our best. Understand that parenting will always change throughout the years. We may not be perfect as parents but that shouldn't stop us from being the best we can be. "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. What matters is that a mother loves her child differently" (Elder M. Russell Ballard). I feel that this can apply to anyone and shouldn't stop you from achieving your parenting goal. 

Are You Ready for Marriage?

 Ah, marriage, it's the goal. This is what some people have talked about and looked forward to their whole lives. It is something some look for and feel like they can never find. However, are you ready for marriage?

I'm 20 years old and in college, I tend to turn my focus to my studies and friends. I'm at that age where I want to be out and just live life to the fullest! However, in the last month, I've known three people my age who got married. I won't lie and sometimes feel like I'm missing out on that. I don't expect to get married anytime soon but I don't want to feel like the one left out. But sometimes I evaluate my life and realize that marriage is something I am not prepared for. You may wonder when you'll get married and how you know when you're ready. 

To start, dating is a big factor. We all know that dating helps you find those qualities you are looking for in your future spouse. However, dating is so different from how it used to be and will continue to change with time. From our class textbook, it says "Only 50 percent of college women reported that they had been asked out on six or more dates, and a third said they had been asked on two or fewer dates (Glenn & Marquardt, 2001). Young women and men more often “hang out” rather than go on planned dates. Young adults often report finding that even when they have been hanging out with someone over some time, they still do not know if they are a couple"(Eds et al.). This is one of the most difficult trials in dating. I will admit that I am someone who has been in a situation like this before. 

I will say one thing about approaching dating. Find out who you are first. This is one of the biggest pieces of advice I could give. There are times when you might think that dating someone will help you find out for yourself and make you a better person. But by doing that you are just avoiding who you could be. Dating may be for fun but once you are in that emerging adulthood stage, it could be time to think about who you date could be a potential partner for life. Emerging adulthood is usually between the ages of 19 to 23, this is when you may not feel "ready for life" but you are also not necessarily a child anymore. Being in this stage of life right now allows me to understand how stressful it can be.

I want many of you emerging adults or even those who are still looking for their future partners to reflect on your own life. If you are not prepared for marriage, then prepare yourself. Don't let the pressures of the world rush you, but make sure you are ready at your own pace. Don't be afraid of yourself and keep an eye open for those who come into your lives. "True love begins with loving myself" (Kim Namjoon). 

                                                   Use this as a reminder to love yourself!

We Are One

Equality. What does it really mean? Are there specific roles a person plays? Is it necessarily based on gender or status? No matter what you may think it could be, we must make equality our priority in a relationship. There are many times when people don't see each other as equal and especially in high school it could be due to popularity or class. Equality is what makes the relationship so special. It lets each other know the value of the other person. 

We all have infinite value and worth. It is the small reminders that will be the difference in how a relationship is handled. Those of you who are currently in a relationship, don't let the other person put them above you and vice versa. As for those who are still looking for that life partner, find out what you are really looking for. So many people misunderstand responsibilities. When in marriage you play roles of course. But it's important to remember that those roles aren't necessarily tied to you. Working together is one of the big things that can make the difference between how you might feel together versus separate. 

For the youth, thinking of marriage may not be your biggest priority. However, it's not too late to start preparing yourself. The key to an eternal marriage is happiness and getting that happiness includes a series of factors. I may not be able to know what this is, but I know what it should look like. If there is anything this Univerity has taught me is that your faith and work on yourself is what is going to set you up on the right path. Being at that emerging adulthood stage in life is the most complicated, but it allows you to figure out yourself and your hopeful future. Remember to evaluate your own life how it is now and the relationships you're in, and move on forward from there. 

This is something I feel many people should take into consideration.

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